I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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