Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
