Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
