He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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