So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
