Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
