your parents love me but you hate me
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
