I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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