I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Randomize
