alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
