I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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