Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
