it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
