He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
These tits shall not be calmed
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
