If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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