I just pynch a tree in the face
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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