I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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