you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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