some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
