At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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