If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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