If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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