omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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