There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
