Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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