You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
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