"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
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Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
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I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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