i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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