I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
