Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
