Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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