just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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