He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
