her vagina looked like bernie madoff
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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