for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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