I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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