I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
