I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
