shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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