You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
