I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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