just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
