The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
