Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
