we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
