On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
