yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
