I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
