You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
