Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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